Gran(nie)

I am fortunate enough to still have both my grandmothers, even if I don't get to see either of them as much as I would like. Perhaps, though, Gran didn't feel quite the same way. She'd just hung up on me. She hadn't, however, hung up very well, and the line was still open at her end. My mother, who called her back and confirmed her number was engaged, agreed that, blunt as my grandmother can be, this was a bridge too far.

Gran is of Scottish descent and frequently greets me with a frown and the words, "Love, you've put on weight again," and steadfastly refuses to put more than one sugar in my tea when I visit her. I remember telling her at about age seven that my father's mother had just written to tell me that I must call her 'Grannie' to ease the distinction between 'English Gran' and 'Australian Gran'. "What an awful name," said Gran, but she left it at that.

I met my Grannie when I was 10, and she won my instant admiration by telling me on our inaugural visit to the Canterbury Tesco (from the obsession of the same name) that she wished the shopping trolleys had bars on them so you could ride them like scooters. Grannie was the one who sent me 'Sergeant Pepper's' and who had seen 'A Clockwork Orange'. Grannie is the one who chats up waiters and was brought a red rose by one of them at Oktoberfest in Munich.

(Sings) # My Grannie lies over the ocean
# My Grannie lies over the sea
# My Grannie lies over the ocean
# Oh, bring back my Grannie to me... # etc.

Grannie posts me cartoons she's cut out of the local paper and says she's so glad I handwrite her letters because email's such a bore. She took the holiday snaps of Melbourne I sent her to a stay in hospital in London because the "dishy young doctor" on duty there is Australian...and from Melbourne, the poor man.

But back to Gran. As long as the line was engaged she wouldn't be able to receive any calls and start freaking out the rellies, so I rang her retirement village and told my story to a nice supervisor there. "Happens all the time," she said. "I'll send one of the boys down." Soon after my phone rang.

"Oh, love, I thought it was that ruddy telemarketer man again. He rings every day about this time. I got so sick of him I just hang up on him now!" So I know she loves me, really. And it's mutual - she's an amazingly strong, fiercely generous woman and lets me tease her unrelentlingly, even if she does still threaten to smack me.

And today she posted me some vouchers for Donut King : )