Oh, Divine Hamster...

..or whoever's in charge up there, grant me the strength to always stick up for myself, to not suffer fools gladly, and to not apologise to strangers who bump into me in shopping centres.

That said, in unrelated shipping news, I've a confession to make. I've been watching 'Dr Phil' again. It's bad for my blood pressure, I know - demonstrably so, seeing as there's a rant coming on. Bear with me.

Pageant moms. (Shudders) They make me sick. Almost literally, Knickers.

OK, I'll try and keep this brief and organised.

1. Your child is 4 years old. For the time being, you run their life, not vice-versa.
2. A competitve spirit is healthy, yes...to a point. Past that you're teaching your child they're only valuable if they win and you're sowing the stubborn seeds for all sorts of horrid eating and self-esteem disorders that could last them THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. If you want them to be confident, send them to theatresports or debating or kickboxing or something.
3. No child should wear false eyelashes, eyeliner, fake tan or heels. Nor should they have anything done chemically to their hair unless it's the size and consistency of a hedge or have their photographs AIRBRUSHED, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
4. Live out your own warped fantasies. Just because you're
   screwed-up doesn't mean you have to take your kids down with you. Pre-verbal children DO NOT have the capacity to make career choices. (I'm 26 and I STILL don't have the capacity to make career choices!)
5. Give your children the most precious gift you can - a childhood safe in the knowledge of your love in which they are free to eat mud, play with Lego, fall out of trees and generally work out who they are...
   ON THEIR OWN.

[RANT ENDS] Thank you. Goodnight.